Setting limits… finding the right balance.

Posted on January 13, 2012 by mommydaybyday

When do you start to let go? When do you start to allow your child some freedom?

Parenting can be a tough job. Some days it seems like I don’t have any of the answers. So often I find myself questioning my judgement on so many things.

My daughter, Caroline, is getting older and there are times when I just don’t know what to do. When she was a toddler her problems were simple. I knew what to do then, it was easy. If she had trouble falling asleep I could read her a story or lay with her until she fell asleep. If she had a boo boo I could kiss it and make it all better. I was a mom who knew it all!

This was my girl back when I knew all the answers!

The older she gets the harder it gets. This should come as no surprise to me since my mother, also a mother of  three daughters, has frequently proclaimed the older my sisters and I got the harder parenting became. Simply because the older you are the more serious the problems.

Tonight is a dance at the local Boys & Girls Club. The dance is from 9-12 and is for grades 6-8. Pretty late for my sixth grader. She was so excited at the prospect of the dance. The minute she heard out about it she immediately texted me and wanted to know if she would be allowed to go, and most importantly would I let her stay until midnight. I have learned the answer to everything has to be the patented “we’ll see.” I use to agree to things too quickly, rookie mistake, I now know better.

Now what to do… Should I let her go… How late should she stay? She is only in sixth grade and will be the youngest there. Is that a good idea? It is so hard to find the right balance. On one hand I want her to grow up and be happy. She so badly wanted to go and was really looking forward to it. Yet, I want her to know there are boundaries. Just because she wants to do something doesn’t mean that she can.

There is such a fine line parents must walk. Too much and we smother them and too little and we may lose them.

So, I turned to my friends which only resulted in more confusion. The responses were all over the map. Some mothers, whose conviction I admire, insisted it was too late for thier 11 year olds. Other mothers were fine with their daughters staying till 12. Still others were walking the road of compromise allowing their daughters to go but mandating strict 11:00 curfews.

Whose to say who is right?

In my opinion everyone is. The decisions we make about our children have to be ones that we make based on our own child and what is good for them. Our children aren’t the same so how could  one decision be right for all of them. I think it is good for my daughter to see that her friends are not all the same and that families are different. What really matters to me is that she respect the decisions my husband and I make  and that she abide by them.

At the end of the  day we are letting her go. We have spent the afternoon showering, doing her nails, and blow drying her hair. We will be leaving soon and I hope it is as wonderful as she thinks it will be.

And as for me, I can just hope and pray that I made the right decision. The reality is it’s her decisions and the choices she makes that  will determine who she becomes. Hopefully we will have taught her well.

Off to the dance with her friends…. So grown up!

And yes, my Christmas decorations are still up!

Posted in Motherhood, Pre-teen | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Yelling… A sign of Affection?

Posted on January 12, 2012 by mommydaybyday

Last night  after all the kids were in bed  my husband and I settled on the couch to watch our favorite sitcom, Modern Family. If you haven’t seen this show  you are really missing out. Hands down the funniest show on television. Family sitcoms appeal to everyone because they are funny and you can connect with the characters and situations. They are also only 30 minutes long and since most of us have short attention spans that is about as long as we can take.

Modern Family is truly the greatest show on television about family and parenthood. They have taken the typical family sitcom and modernized it to perfection. My husband and I thoroughly enjoy this time together every Wednesday night. It is one of the only times I can actually stay awake while sitting on the couch. I love the characters and the witty writing. My husband, although he might appreciate those things as much as I do, admits freely his favorite part of the show is Sophia Vergara. It’s alright with me, I mean come on she is stunning… and really funny to boot.

On last night’s episode Egg Drop  Gloria (Sophia) explains her philosophy on family. You know you are loved by your family if they can yell and scream at you.

An interesting take on family and relationships. I have to admit I kind of agree with her. I don’t think we have to scream and yell at each other all the time to show we love one another. Sometimes a hug works just as well. Also, it probably isn’t too healthy and  the kids will grow up needing many hours of therapy.

But it there is a point not to be missed here. You wouldn’t get upset with each other if you didn’t love one another so much. Also, it is healthy to express our emotions instead of keeping them bottled up inside. You can’t pretend everything is always okay and you shouldn’t. It is not a healthy way to live and not a good message to send to our kids.

This is a lesson I might want to remember in the future. My husband and I have weekly battles about the amount of time I spend out of the house at night during the week. I have girl scout meetings, girl scout leader meetings, PTA, PTA Board meetings, school board meetings, committee meetings, and on and on… He gets so upset with me when I am constantly out of the house. He fails to understand why I need to be on every committee and sign up for everything. I of course become completely defensive because after all I am doing it for our children. This battle is a pretty regular occurrence at my house. He gets upset and I play the Martyr.

Maybe the next time this battle comes around again I will remember Modern Family. Instead of getting upset I  will run up and give him a big kiss and hug because after all he wouldn’t get so upset if he didn’t love me so much. He wants me home. Who can blame him?- just kidding!! (And I am sure it is not just to take care of the kids)

Chalk this up to another lesson I learned while watching tv!

My husband and I in between battles. 

Posted in Life, Television | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Oh No! Not Lice!

Posted on January 11, 2012 by mommydaybyday

“There has been a case of head lice reported in your child’s class”

… Oh no not lice.

The dreaded note arrives home in your child’s school backpack. Every mother starts to panic. Many are even brought to tears. Playdates are cancelled. Hair is picked through and pulled into tight braids and ponytails. Hairspray and gel are applied in massive amounts. Carpets are vacuumed, beds are stripped, and stuffed animals and pillows are exiled to the garage in plastic bags. Text messages and phone calls spread through the community like wildfire as moms dispense advice and comfort to their fellow soldiers against this war called lice.

Luckily, somehow- I don’t know why-I was able to avoid any contact with lice for the first 10 years of motherhood. I had no idea how lucky I was. It finally caught up with my last year. My daughter was sent home with lice last January. Ha I was so naive! It is laughable how easy I thought it would be. I thought, some Rid some Nix- one, two, three we would be rid of lice! I laugh even now thinking about how foolish I was. I can’t believe the endless hours of my life I have spent picking through hair. Strand by strand looking and picking with my lice removal tools; my mini flashlight and magnifying glass. All the while my daughters trying to be good, but honestly who could be good with someone picking at your head for hours.

That first night I used a chemical over-the-counter remedy and was up all night picking out nits since her school has a no nit policy. Of course I had to treat all three girls and myself because I just couldn’t chance it. Amelia, my four year old, is so little and hardly has that much hair I treated her as a prevention. When I checked her I saw nothing. She was clean. Or so I thought… as she sat waiting ten minutes with the chemical on her head I actually saw a louse (singular of lice- I am now a lice expert!) run out of her hair and across her face! YUCK!!!

The next day I had to bring my daughter to school where her hair was given a thorough examination by the school nurse. There was a line of us, the anxious mothers with their children bleary eyed and exhausted from picking out nits all night. Some of them made it to school that day while others did not. Sent home defeated to try again. I was so thrilled she passed the inspection and was able to go to school. It had been much harder than I thought, picking the nits, but it didn’t matter because I had won and we were done with lice.

Needless to say we were not done with lice. They just kept coming back. It was disheartening to see my daughter scratching at her head a few weeks later. I couldn’t quite understand it. I am an intelligent person why could I not conquer lice? I ended up trying countless remedies, doing a ton of research, and spending lots of money on lice removal and prevention products. I spent hours cleaning and vacuuming the house. Every night I would strip their beds and throw their sheets in the dryer for 20 minutes. Crazy!! I know of some parents who have even gotten lice professionally removed. There are whole hair salons dedicated to lice removal. At $200 a head I had to decline. With the four of us $800 was just too much. My one friend who did use this service insists it was the best money she ever spent.

In the end this is what I found. Lice are the worst! If you miss one nit its over for you. It will hatch and the whole epidemic starts again. Do not fear, you can get rid of them. They can only survive on hair and not in the environment. If lice could live in couches and pillows and rugs we would never be rid of them. Treatment needs to be focused on removing them from your child’s head rather than the vacuuming, washing, and boiling brushes.

I had to change how I was treating lice. First, I stopped using over the counter chemical remedies. They just weren’t working. I was starting to fear that I was going to be responsible for creating a whole new bread of indestructible chemical resistant lice. I didn’t want that on my head, so I ended up going homeopathic. The lice remedy that worked for me is olive oil. I smother their heads in olive oil, put on a shower cap on and send them to bed. In the morning I wash out their hair with Dawn dishwashing soap. It really does get the grease out. This smothers the lice and they die. It does not kill the nits so you  have to repeat the process a week later to smother those lice that hatch afterwards. It takes several days before newly hatched lice can lay eggs so you will get them before they can lay any eggs. If you are really nervous you can repeat it a third time a week later.

Another thing I do is spray the kids hair with leave in conditioner from Fairy Tales.

They have a really informative site and sell several preventative products. Everyday before they leave the house they spray the conditioner on their hair. Cross my fingers it seems to be working.

So yesterday when the letter came I did not get hysterical or panic. We did a preventative olive oil treatment just to be safe.

Here is Grace getting ready to go to sleep with a ton of olive oil in her hair.

Are you scratching yet?

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Manners At The Dinner Table… a lost art?

Posted on January 10, 2012 by mommydaybyday

I am out to dinner Friday night with my family and I look around the table at my three daughters. All were busy with some sort of technology. Caroline was on her new phone, Amelia was on her new leap pad,

and Grace was on her new Itouch. They were happily enjoying all the super technology they got for Christmas. It is abundantly clear they love their technological devices. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of technology and progress. I myself love my MacBook, my Blackberry and my Itouch. However sitting there it felt as if I was having an outer body experience. I was looking at this family with these three children not interacting at all with each other or their parents.

Durning  dinner I didn’t tell anyone to put their technological devices away, I just observed. Later on that night the image really began to eat away at me. What had we become? We were like a bad cliche from a tv sitcom. I was never going to have children who behaved this way. My children were going to perfect with wonderful table manners. My dream had always been we would all sit around the dining room table and have wonderful family meals where we would share amusing stories about our day- I watched a lot of Family Ties growing up. I began to realize my dream of perfect dinner hours were being shattered. Instead of sitting around like the Keatons we were  in danger of not communicating at all. I see more of the top of my pre-teen’s head then I do her face. Her head is constantly at a tilt. New data reported from Nielsen shows that teenagers ages 13-17 average 3,417 texts a month. Teen girls are reported to text a whopping 3,952 times a month. That is more than 130 texts a day. This generation is going to suffer with severe neck problems in their 40’s and 50’s.

I realize that texting is  communication. I firmly believe that social networking and texting have value. These skills are valuable and they will need them when they eventually enter the workforce. I am not interested in stopping progress. I get it. I know we need to forge ahead in technology. But what is the cost? Is the family dinner hour being sacrificied to the gods of constant communication? I think we are paying too high a price.

Who is to blame? I can’t entirely blame Caroline or her new phone. Who gave her these devices in the first place? Who is she learning this behavior from? As I pondered these thoughts the answer came to me and made my stomach turn. Unfortunately, I know the most important rule of of raising children is they learn by example.  I began to wonder am I the culprit? What am I doing to send the message that this behavior is okay? I think we all know the answer. I don’t even want to know how many texts I send a day.

Learning from mistakes is important and I believe a return to the dinner hour and table manners is at hand. In fact it is such a hot topic that  Peggy Post wrote “Emily Post’s Table Manners for Kids” (HarperCollins, 2009). In it she does address the use of technology during the dinner hour. In a blanket ruling she states: “Do NOT use your cell phone or any other electronic devices at the table.”

I am coming to terms with the fact that my family will never be the Keatons. Life has changed and we are just too busy. Quick meals, to go meals and restaurants make up most of my dinner hours. Especially with both parents working and all of the activities the kids are involved in. But that does not mean we need to sacrifice the family meal or manners. We can still teach our kids to enjoy the company of those they are with along with some basic table manners: sit with your feet under the table, sit upright in your chair, chew with mouth closed, and of course my father’s favorite no elbows on the table.

The following morning after three dance classes we decided to go out to breakfast- we really do eat out too much! As we sat down I took my cell phone and put it in my pocketbook and invited the girls to do the same. Begrudingly they agreed, and we enjoyed our first technology free meal.

Hopefully the first of  many.

Posted in Motherhood | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Saddest Christmas Tree

Posted on January 9, 2012 by mommydaybyday

What happened to my Christmas Tree?

Have you ever in your life seen a sadder Christmas Tree?

How did such a beautiful tree self destruct so quickly? It all started out so nicely. Several weeks ago my family made our annual trek through the forest to find the perfect Christmas Tree. Well maybe not the forest, more like the tree farm. Regardless, I painstakingly walked up and down the rows of trees looking for the perfect Christmas Tree. You must understand that this is quite an ordeal. We hike through rows of trees. Evaluating each one, searching for the perfect balance of height and width. Inevitably, my husband and I never agree on the same tree. And to make matters worse my sister-in-law finds her tree and in about ten seconds so now everyone is waiting for me and the pressure is on. Eventually, we select the “perfect tree”  My husband now has to cut down the tree . As he cuts, I continually remind him to cut the tree as low down to the ground as possible so it doesn’t lose any height. This goes over really well since my husband has heard this reminder a thousand times and as a general rule hates to be told what to do. But I can’t help myself.

Then on to the roof it goes for the drive home. Once home, my husband recuts the bottom- which makes me crazy because it’s losing more height. However, he insists the tree has to be freshly cut so the tree can take in water. Then he puts the tree up and waters it with warm water and sugar. A lot of love and care goes into this tree!!

It was a gorgeous tree on Christmas. 

By New Year’s Day my husband proclaims that it is dead and has to come down. Of course I disagree with my husband, because that is what I do. Our beautiful tree that we have watered and nurtured can’t be dead! It’s too early to take it down. I insisted the tree was not dead, and I was not taking it down. The kids then joined in on Dad’s side but still I refused to falter, I was right the tree was wonderful and certainly not dead.

Later on when everyone went to bed I am sitting alone on the computer and I hear a sound sort of like rain. It reminded me of a rain stick. It was the needles falling of the tree. I can admit when I am wrong and took the tree down. By the time we got it out of the house it had lost almost all of its needles.

Here we are in front of this years “perfect tree” before it self-destructed.

Posted in Holidays | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments